Monday I went to the place that had a high tech scale that analizes everything. Truth telling machine that basically told me the scale isn’t moving and my body fat isn’t changing. I was down in the dumps. I took the print out and headed to workout with my trainer.
He looked things over and told me that he was excited by the results. It told him I wasn’t eating enough. I have to up my calories from 1200 to 1700. Which after Gastric Sleeve seems impossible! But the working out requires fuel. So I was discouraged and getting really deep in a well of pity. But not Javier. He was jazzed by things. And really to be honest, helped me snap out of my funk. He asked if I had to choose, do I want the scale to go down or my body fat? I had to make a decision. I want the scale to move short term, body fat can go down over time.
Look, we are building muscle. We are strengthening my core. We are working over here! I just sometimes need a little hand holding to tell me what I’m doing is right. I’m not as confident as I appear to be honest.
So TST Excel is a group I am working with that my trainer heads up. Videos, nutrition tips and more. On the Facebook page was a tip to start blogging to get out of heads. The topic suggestion was this:
“Who or what has stopped you from changing in the past? How will you overcome these obstacles?”
I think in many ways I’ve gotten in my own way. Focus was put on everyone else and not me. When my daughter was young I would miss workouts because she was up all night, so I was exhausted. Or I didn’t have someone to watch her while my husband was at work. And slowly I stopped caring about myself. I had a wake up call when I was over 300 pounds and had gastric sleeve. And I did amazing! But slowly I stopped focusing on me again, and let things slip. So now I have regain.
Look–things happen like they are supposed to happen and in their own time. Every problem is a journey. I don’t have regrets as to what got me here. I am here and I’m taking ownership of things.
Luckily I have a support system that gets it.
I am important. I am enough.
At the time of the purple dress I was a single, young girl living in Minneapolis. I had moved there with a boyfriend, and when we split up I found myself in a big city, with a lot fun to be had. I worked as a programming assistant at a tv station and it was mind numbingly boring. So I pretty much went to rock clubs every night. Where I ended up making friends with a few girls whose morals were a lot more questionable than my own.
New Years Eve was coming up and the plan was to roadtrip North to Superior, Wisconsin. A band we liked was playing and I remember the bar closed for one hour between 4-5am. So we planned to really have a wild night. We got a motel room…I do remember that.
Im guessing the year was 1993. I may have been early 20’s. I found this purple dress at the Mall of America. It was purple leather suede. Outrageous bright purple that was going to get you noticed. I recall it was pretty much a backless halter style dress straight out of a hair band video. It took me a full afternoon to decide if I wanted to spend $100 on this dress. I wish I knew what size it was. Maybe 10? The girls I was going to spend NYE with hated the dress because they knew it was killer. It really made everyone up their game for the night.
I had long blonde hair. And a lot of it. I wore the dress with fishnet stockings and thigh high boots. I was trying to get someone’s attention, but I don’t recall who. I know the night ended with me and another girl walking back to the motel, dressed inappropriately for the weather as it was like -30 windchill.
What I remember about the dress was feeling invincible in it. At one point in the evening a guy in the band and his girlfriend stopped me to tell me how awesome the dress was, and how incredible I looked in it. Purple suede. Man.
i just spent an hour going thru old photos to see if there was an pics from that night. Before cell phones, carrying a camera to a bar was just a hassle. So I came up empty handed. And I just went thru totes of old clothes to see if I could find it. But it must have been released in the last purge.
I thought about that dress today on my run, and how special I felt in it. It made me smile. It was like armour.
i really wish I still had it even though fitting in it would be impossible.
My friend Brandi called them ‘come aparts’. Where you feel defeated and sad with no apparent reason to be found.
I’m in the middle of a whopper. And I don’t know why. It started last night. I felt all of a sudden like I was about to drown in self doubt. I’m feeling like I’m working hard and eating right but not seeing changes. My mind is screaming ‘it’s not working!!’ Really loud.
And really that’s a lot to deal with. But then more piled on top. My 9 year hit me with a question about kids using the term gay. Which lead to a conversation about what it means, why it isn’t bad and how people of all races, religions, gender etc can be different from one another.
Then she asked me what bras do.
I needed to get out of the hous and my husband said ‘Go!’ So I took took a long walk. Got back and told everyone I’m sleeping in and not setting any alarm.
And forgot to be the tooth fairy. So as I slept in Dad and daughter had a convo that was about the tooth fairy being real. She lost her last tooth yesterday. I was in tears this morning when I realized what happened. She hugged me and said ‘Mom, you’re human and you make mistakes, it’s ok!’ But I am beating myself up.
Then I had to discuss puberty with her, which I was not prepped for in any way, shape or form.
Everyone agreed Mom needed alone time. As I made my way upstairs to my hidey hole I stubbed my toe on a weight laying on the floor.
I want to share a blog I wrote this morning on my ‘official’ radio station website. And elaborate a little more here. But at the moment I can’t copy the blog as the website is down.
And I’m in a very introspective mood. Like the sound of a 9 yr old chewing an apple is about to send me over the edge. I have quiet, noisy, restless, thoughts running scrambled in my brain. Somehow that makes sense. Maybe my new Spotify playlist will. It will at least get my shoes on for a walk. Not the fastest songs. But clearly Adam Duritz is lyrically speaking my language tonight, hence all the Counting Crows songs. I can’t find any of my pics with Counting Crows at the moment. But oddly enough I found Aerosmith. Sometimes I have to remember I’ve lived a pretty full life.
Any way you slice it, yesterday drained me. By the end of everything I just wanted to crawl in bed. But I made myself do my shirt run/jog/walk thing. I moved up to run 2.5/walk 2 x 4. I cleared my head. I absorbed the music. Oddly enough two songs on my playlist really had me grinning.
The first was Splendor ‘Whatever Makes You Happy’. Lyrically, it just recharges me.
Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful
Yeah, whatever leaves you satisfied
‘Cause I’m out of time
For a moment I thought ‘I want those words tattooed on me’. Or maybe just the word WHATEVER. It sounds sarcastic, but really it’s just permission for you to do WHATEVER you need to do. WHATEVER makes you happy, beautiful or satisfied.
The next song that really helped me blow steam is by Marvelous 3. Now the lead singer is Butch Walker, who had written amazing songs for Avril Lavigne, Pink! And Train. The song is SugarBuzz and it is very sarcastic and snotty. Just a song full of attitude.
You can stick that sign up your ass
The one that says it won’t last
My sugar buzz is growin’ higher and higher everyday
Your sarcasm cuts like a knife
I’ll have the time of my life
My sugar buzz is growin’ higher and higher everyday
Music really help you release those emotions.
Oddly enough I managed to get up and run this morning too. And then I have a very long day, followed by a Women’s Heart event I agreed to MC.
I blogged this morning but after this day I feel I need to vent.
Husband lasted an hour at work and home sick again.
My day at work went off the rails and I bit my tongue until I couldn’t restrain myself any longer. I am the one how questions why things are done a certain way etc. I have also learned that I am my best advocate. So at times I may throw out a ‘why am I get screwed over’ or ‘wait a minute dude, that’s not fair’ out during a meeting. That happened twice today.
Questions still have been answered on that front.
An issue at work created a bigger computer issue, which meant three of us had to do a fix that took each of us 90 minutes. Cue headache. And Sass.
With all of this, it is NOT the ideal day for me to mix with listeners, clients or people in general. But this be (of course) the day for our massive station listener event. I’ll need to grin and just try to get thru.
All I can think of is putting on my headphones and going for a run. For me.
I put together a weekly playlist on Spotify that I look forward to enjoying. Check it out HERE
Yesterday I ran in the morning and had a session with my trainer in the afternoon. We worked legs and I was jelly walking out of there. Javier really pushed me hard, and that’s the core of why I’m paying a personal trainer. I can’t do this alone. He has the skill set to know what exercises are going to work, but also the personality to motivate me. He knows my story and I think he gets how hard the struggle is sometimes. Who ever would have thought I would look forward to my workouts?
My husband went home sick from work yesterday, so the plan was for me to pick up our daughter at the after school program on my way home from training. She has had something like a zit inside her nose for a few days that has been hurting. When I picked her up her nose had swollen so much I freaked out. She said the pain was awful and there was an angry red streak on the outside of her nostril. I wasn’t sure it was Urgent Care worthy but the change since I dropped her off at school was so great I decided to bite the bullet and go.
The dr told me I made a good call as it would only have gotten worse and it was too close to the brain to mess around with. She had an infection that was spreading so we got her on strong antibotics right away. We had to watch for fever, spreading and growth now. Any signs of change like that meant ER.
Once we got home it was 7, so I got her fed and ready for bed. She asked me not to go running since Brent was knocked out on NyQuil and she was scared things might get worse. So I stayed home. I had planned to get up early and do it this morning, but of course the entire house overslept. (Life throws ya curveballs!)
So today is a big work event which will mean any exercise will have to wait til tonight now. But I’ll get it done. Tomorrow is another event I’m going to MC which will be a late night. I just have to juggle things for a few days and find a way for me to get the time I need.